i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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