dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
