Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
there was a trapeze. enough said
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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