just survived the first fart of the relationship.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Randomize
