Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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