Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
