i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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