woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
