the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
