I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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