i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I need a burrito and a hug.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize