I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
You don't make any sense
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