god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
