She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
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Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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