i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
