You just made me feel so damn special
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
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