If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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