Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
