Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
