i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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