My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Randomize
