1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
