I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
