girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
