I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
