he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
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