i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
