ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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