sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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