Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
