he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
