Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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