is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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