Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
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