We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
