And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
