i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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