he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
