he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
