DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Randomize
