Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
