My nipple is on Facebook.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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