You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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