I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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