i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
