I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
