he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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