I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
