Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
