what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize