he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Randomize
