Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
