i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
