Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
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I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
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I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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