I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
