I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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