It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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